I am a thinker. I am a mom. I am discovering I can be fierce when I need to be and far too emotional sometimes when I don’t want to be. I strive to be kind in my actions and spoken words towards others. If there are words that need to be released in a different way I write.
You turned your back so you wouldn’t see her crumble
You walked away so you didn’t hear her cry
So she looks at me, her eyes so big and round
Silently screaming…why?
Her whole body contracts with an ache that can’t be soothed
Her anguish voiced in raw and violent sounds
And when she is physically spent she becomes quiet
And silent tears stream down her cheeks.
But the days move on…
Each day I watch her
Try to have courage,
Try to move forward,
Try to heal.
But if she dares take a glimpse back
Allows her thoughts to remind her,
Or her bravery is lost,
She breaks all over again.
She still wonders…
What did she do?
What was her fault?
Is she so horrible?
So unlikeable?
So ugly?
So useless?
So unloveable?
These are the questions she is left voicing to me.
And I can not answer them.
Only try and reassure..
You took everything.
Her confidence
Her will
Her personality
Her smile
Her ability to dream.
You Took It All
And just walked away.
You selfish prick.
You already crushed her with your rubbish
Yet you decided to add more weight
An unexpected avalanche to completely conceal her
Flatten her entirely
Out of sight out of mind…
For you.
Now completely buried,
She can’t even smell that pile of bullshit you covered her with
You left her…
Carrying the weights of your world.
Sure, you didn’t ask her to,
Though how could she not?
You dumped them in front of her,
So she picked them up.
Because she cared,
She wanted to carry them.
She wanted to help.
To be there.
She wanted to share that burden.
But you left her.
You walked away.
Leaving her mind and her heart full with the mass of you.
She wondered,
She worried,
She waited.
You told her you were okay.
She assured you she was still there.
But you were not.
You just left her.
And so you continue on,
Feeling a little lighter.
While she slowly crumbles beneath what you left her with.
And in the end it was the silence that killed her…
Sparking gem,
Dainty ornament of finest detail,
Glowing from inside,
Sparkling blue like the ocean.
Tinkling bell giving butterflies to those who heard.
Inside, a heart full of happiness,
And a soul pure and innocent.
If you held that ornament
And really looked at it
You would see
Just how fragile it was.
See what was beyond the surface,
Observe the depth of its possibilities on the inside.
But it was held by someone
Who did not appreciate its inner blessings,
Focussing only on the perfection on the outside.
So when he realized there were complexities within,
That it was more than an impeccable jewel to dazzle his eyes.
The ornament was carelessly tossed aside.
And it shattered into a million tiny pieces.
What was inside lay there bare and raw,
Unable to do anything.
Exposed, vulnerable, and alone.
So, with nothing left,
She scooped up the shards
and started to re-build.
She smoothed and re-formed the exterior.
Day after day,
Patting and patching.
Until once again the ornament looked whole.
From the outside.
But the inside
Was still broken.
With its jagged pieces,
Rough edges,
And tiny shards
To remind her,
Whisper to her,
Taunt her,
Leave her unsettled.
So that now,
Even though she looks
The same on the outside,
On the inside,
She doubts.
She feels the pain.
The damage and the loss.
She lacks confidence,
Is haunted by a cruel ghost,
Telling her there is something wrong with her.
On the inside she is still broken.
Every move she makes,
She is reminded.
Memories open old cuts.
Scars attempting to heal are still painful.
She is ashamed.
She wants to hide.
She wants to forget.
She wants to give up.
The glow that gem used to have
Is dull.
Like the colour of rainy day.
And the bell no longer rings as freely,
Its sound now a sorrowful song.
And the ornament is so much more likely to break again,
For inside she is barely holding it together.
Opposites you said you were.
You like water.
She, the sky.
Perfect together.
A happy place.
Together you could be strong.
You could be.
Together.
But you saw the flames of fear.
And you panicked.
Your mind, in its anxious state
– did it forget where to find peace?
So you dove back into the ocean.
Pushing away the flames,
The fear,
And her.
Your momentum pushing her closer to those flames.
Now Sky still burdened with the weight of your worries,
Stares at the flames,
That reflect in her eyes.
Sparks jump towards her,
But Water is not there to shield her.
Nor can she take flight.
For you have left her alone,
Yet still carrying you.
She carries so much sadness in her tiny frame,
the weight of it enough to shatter her bones.
But her heart has taken all the burden.
The only indication of it being broken
is betrayed in her eyes.
And so the rain,
is cold like me.
And i feel
too,
Like i am
slowly tracing my way
down
to land on a ledge
where i may
fall off
or
fade away.
Oh but how
It must be nice
To make a decision
And not think twice
To give no second thought
Have no concern
To care not
For the love you did spurn
Giving no second chance
For explanation or resolution
What only matters
Is YOUR constitution
So leave the wreckage
Lying on the floor
Don’t look back
As you strut through the door
What you left behind…
Though to you it doesn’t matter
Is a heart that beat only for you
Now crushed and shattered.
Enigmatic smile disguised the sneer
Facade of juvenile innocence,
Hid the darkness lurking near.
Don’t be adolescent?
Don’t make people feel obsolescent.
All the while on automotion
Spewing faith and devotion.
Festering lies hid by commotion
What type of human lacks emotion?
Irony
You have no clue
Second chances
Given you
Blindness in faith
Can impair
One’s obligation to those right there.
Ignore the human standing near
Perfecting the wraith, with the disregard you smear
You want an acronym for action?
R can stand for having remorse or issuing a retraction.
Confession doesn’t make it alright
Your flaws still show up in the light
Does it really forgive what you say?
Why the fear of apology?
From you it does not take away
It heals and fortifies.
What does it feel like when you pray?
Charcoal heart
And your complacence
Hardly celestial
Expectations
Emotionally numb
To what do you succumb?
Can you be daring
Try out caring?
What are you scared of?
You were created to show love.
Words of adoration sent up above
Yet empathy choked with an invisible glove
Master of illusions
Your brain is filled with delusions
Earning points can’t be done
Idolizing the speculum.
Looking glass is warped and bent
Condescending message sent
Who else received it?
You know too well.
She forgot to look before she fell.
Freefalling, her wings won’t quell.
As for You?
You can
Go.
To.
Hell.
Kova Soturi Writing